so today was a bit confusing even for me.

so this morning I didn't get that bagel and cream cheese. I went to the grocery and picked up some cheese (cause I really wanted a grilled cheese) and some carrot juice. then I got home, made the grilled cheese, poured some carrot juice, began loathing myself for what I was doing and then as I was chewing something murmured in my ear, "you don't have to swallow."

and I didn't. I got a bag and I chewed and spitted that whole grilled cheese but I drank the carrot juice. then I was actually full.

but my mom asked me to pick her up from work for lunch and we went to trader joes. uuugh. almost got a pizza, but settled with a lunabar. about 180cals. then I went next door and got a jumbo almond croissant. do not ask me why. this is the part where I just don't understand what happened.

the jam in the center was SUPER sweet so I ended up eating only the crunchy edges. I felt so full and gross and disgusting. I danced a bit to lady gaga and felt better though. I was really sweating and out of breath I had to lie down. I ended up falling asleep for about an hour and when I woke up I looked tinier and on the scale I was 135.

but then I went to class. and I couldn't think straight or something. I don't know why but I got a hot chocolate. and I feel like I kind of ruined everything. like although it was just hot chocolate, I don't have that empty feeling that I had when I first woke up from the nap I had earlier. tomorrow ill weigh myself again. also tomorrow my mom is off so I know ill be expected to eat at some point.

tonight she kept asking and asking if I wanted chipotle. talk about temptation.

anyways the hot chocolate is kinda making me pissy, it was pointless. about 200cals. but it didn't help at all. I still did horribly on the test.

idk if I've said this but my goal is to stay within the range of 125-130 im 5ft 10.

I bought these diesel jeans offline cause they were super cheap and a size 27 which is what I USUALLY wear. but they're like a small 27. more like a 26. and since there's limited stretch its like a strict 26. no wiggle room. anyways. when I weighed 135 before class I was able to get them up a little further.

I can't wait until I can wear them that will be the ultimate.

wish me luck. I've been feeling down. there's a boy who has liked me all semester and just now I've kinda realized I like him too (don't ask how I've got no idea how these things work). but the last time I saw him I thought I was dropping good hints but he didn't like really respond in the way that I wanted. like he didn't ask me out. I think I make him scared but if only he knew he makes me scared-er lol.

so yeah this whole weight thing is really taking a toll on how I feel about myself. sometimes I think he's just afraid and then other times I think he just doesn't like me anymore. blurgh..

kk enough about that.


good luck

think thinn xx

p.s. I hope so much im still 135 tomorrow.

and welcome new follower!!