ive decided.

tomorrow im getting a grilled cheese. i have a taste for one. and the fact that im allowing myself that is what's keeping me from destroying the kitchen. i didnt eat today at all. i had a coffee in the morning. i was feeling ill. i think im dehydrated. i just finished a liter of water i feel a bit better. so yeah a grilled cheese. im going to walk first. make myself work for it. i think if i walk a bit i'll burn the calories of the grilled cheese.

i need this grilled cheese. seriously thinking about a reward is such strength right now i want to eat everything in the kitchen. and then i was watching tv to get my mind off of food and on the show, they were eating. ugh the worse!

today didnt work out the way i planned. the boy has one last chance next monday but then class is done forever. although i think i dropped good hints that im kind of into him too. idk maybe not. im super subtle about these things.

im hoping that i make it through tonight and tomorrow i dont even want a grilled cheese. that would be ideal. if i have it though i will eat it before noon so i can have time to burn it during the day. uuugh i really dont want to eat anything else. tomorrow i dont have class until night so that's a whole day of possibly fcking up EVERYTHING. i lost five pounds in three days i lost five pounds in three days i lost five pounds in three days i lost five pounds in three days.

i will not screw this up.
i will not screw this up.
i will not screw this up.
i will not screw this up.

i wont. i cant. i think im just really tired. i should go to sleep til tomorrow then the battle is won. although my mom gives me shit when i try to go to bed too early its like she knows something is up. its sooo annoying. i want to get out of this house so bad. it would make restricting so much easier.

im going to weigh myself tomorrow morning.


im leaving something out because i feel guilty. but after i posted last night about fake eating dinner i actually did eat. i had a bunch of these little chicken nugget things, although like my mom made them they werent from mc donalds. i would say it was like 1 whole chicken breast. to over estimate and just be safe. and i had a slice of bread.

on the calorie counter i checked the most cals a fried chicken breast had was 500 cals. and plus the slice of bread that puts me at 600. so that was last night. and this morning i was still 5lbs thinner. but todays fast sadly isnt my fourth day, its my first.

although seeing that i still lost considerable weight im kinda happy i ate something. and after walking, i'll eat tomorrow cause i dont want my metabolism to turn to mush or anything. WEDSNESDAY. weds will be hard. my mother's off from work. so i'll have to eat something. im thinking:

mon:fast
tues:grilled cheese
weds:under 1000 cals
thurs:fast
fri:fast

i have a final on friday so i might do a juice fast so that i can have some calories and energy and wont be so fatigued.

the ABC diet is just too much of a regiment. i think if i actually stuck to it, it would only result in suspicion. i think the purpose of the ABC diet is heavy restricting, which is what im doing. so hopefully if i just stay strong, i will get results.

ugh im so hungry. tomorrow im walking briskly for an hour or so. then im gonna eat a grilled cheese and then im going to finish cleaning and studying a bit before i go to class. then i'll get out of class and i'll be super hungry. and when we get off the freeway i'll want to ask my mom for in n out. she'll probably ask if im hungry first. but i will say no. of course i'll say no i HAVE to eat something on weds. then i'll go to the store and get carrot juice for thurs and fri.

i find this helps. letting yourself know whats up before it happens. like its okay to be hungry, you will be hungry, and now that you know you wont give in. i think it helps especially now when hunger just came out of left field for me. i almost gave in.

but i didnt. and now im posting here. i actually just realized, im sitting in the kitchen. as soon as im done (which is about now) im going to clean up a bit and listen to simon and garfunkel and lay down to sleep and the battle will be won.

if not, i will not lie. or delay telling the truth. its not right. and i think that rule will help keep me from failing, knowing that i have to account for myself.

good luck to everyone


think thinxx