so far 2nd day where I havent completely fucked myself

And its going to stay that way right? Its almost 4 30. I planned earlier to have a small bite but after the whole debacle with the bread I wont dare. Lately my heart has been feeling weird and I've been getting really bad chest pains. I also feel like I'm going to blackout just about everytime I stand. And I read online that when you starve yourself your body eats your muscle first. And everyone knows the heart is a muscle, so I'm making this connection on my own and the site goes on to just affirm what I was already thinking. And it talked about how your heart will just weaken. And that really freaked me out so today I decided to eat every two hours so that my body wouldnt go into starvation mode and start eating my cardiac muscle. Also the article talked about eating more often conditions your body to burn fat and build muscle. Which sounds jolly good to mee!

So I awoke at dawn

6am: 1scrambled egg
70ish cals (at the v. most)

8 30am: 2/3cup peas
90cals

10 30am: black beans
100cals

12 30pm: broccoli/grilled chicken
150cals

2 30pm: slice of bread
130cals

3 40pm: chewed/spitted slice of bread
20 cals?

I included the last one because (in case you dont know) certain foods, but I know for sure bread, starts digestion in your mouth. Thats why if you suck on bread it'll look completely different from how it was before but if you suck on a celery stick it'll look exactly the same.

So my new plan. Hmm. I'm supposed to eat right now but dont think I will. My heart didnt feel too weird today and I actually didnt feel as sluggish or bad. I'm ending today at about 600cals which is 100 more than what I planned. But I also did a light workout in my home.
Yesterday was a total of 430cals. But that was all at one meal.

I actually feel really good about today. The last time I weighed myself was about two days ago and I was 146. I'm 5ft9.5 and my ultimate goal is to stay within 120-125. My shortterm goal for Aug1 is 135. Thats like 11lbs! Wow. I really hope I can recover from this weeks fuckups. Some people made me super upset and I ended up buying pot and usually (when I'm happier) I can control my urges but I was so upset I kept telling myself I didnt care. Now Aug1 is two weeks away and I have 11lbs to go. FML. I wish just not eating still actually worked for me.

I hope all of you are closer to your goals than I am.

Think Thinn,
Strict Chick