im trying not to get too happy.

but i weighed myself this morning and im 140..! i think its bc this is the first time in a while that i weighed myself as soon as i woke up (after the bathroom). also ive been here soo many times. i usually plateu and give up. the last time this happened was april.

when you start losing, dont you wonder like 'wow. i was really fat. why didnt any of my friends say something?' like.. i dont LOVE what i see in the mirror right now soo wtf did i look like before??? idk something i was thinking about.

so now i have about 12 days to lose 5lbs by aug 1.. im rethinking that goal for many reasons:

1. i didnt find out til after i made my plans that this event is going on sat, aug1 at night and all of my friends will be there. even ppl i was just kinda friends with which is great bc i want them to all see how thin i am but my one friend knows i used to have a crush on this guy and im afraid she'll tell everyone i did it for him. which i didnt! fuck. im soo pissed that he planned this for aug1

2. this saturday theres something going on. idk if my friends are going but i really hope they are bc maybe i can show how thin i am there and not go to the aug1 thing.

and actually. fuck. i shouldnt even think about her. i HATE her. we used to be good friends and she told me how her parents always get on her about her weight although she does everything to lower it. like shes a 'vegetarian' and she eats like 500cals a day, all fruits and veggies, and i felt really bad. we all know the feeling, when the weight just wont come off.

but then i started to realize she eats a lot more than she lets on. i had a bday party and someone made a cake and then my other friend brought all of these cupcakes from her shop..

first: she kept bugging EVERYBODY, interrupting conversations to say, 'lets open presents, we should open presents' so im like wtf is her problem? then i remembered her asking me about the cake while everyone was getting food, like um meal food not dessert food, if she could have some cake and i was like 'after presents' just to get her to go away. once i realized she only wanted cake i was pissed.

and then everyone eats a huge slice of cake and no one wants any cupcakes. she waits til everyones leaving to go 'what are you going to do with those cupcakes?' VERY accusingly. like what do you think we're going to do with them? AND she wasnt even the girl who brought them. the girl who brought them had already left and didnt care bc thats COMMON ETTIQUETTE. so i was like 'idk do you want some?' and shes like 'no, my dad would kill me' and then she started acting like i should invite her back inside to gorge on the 20something cupcakes. wtf?

then she calls herself a vegetarian. we went to a restaurant and they accidentally brought her a beef hamburger and she started eating it. so of course i go 'arent you vegetarian?' and she like flips out about how shes eating it for the environment.

riight.

you know the more i think about it, FUCK HER. im sorry i curse a lot, even more when im pissed. but seriously who the fuck is she? shes like 3yrs younger than me why should i care? i think im gonna go. i dont care if she tells people i did it for him.

oh and very important. this is why im sure she would make me to seem like some crazy psycho stalking anorexic, she used to like him!! supposedly. i think she still does. shes such a freak too, she told me she changed her whole route for walking to classes so that he would NOT see her. yeah not. i cant remember why although i find it hilarious bc im positive he doesnt even know who she is!

also earlier this past year he came to visit, cause he graduated last year, but i wasnt there bc i was sick. she, my supposed friend, goes on and on about, 'he looks soo ugly now' 'his face has gotten soo fat' 'hes not skinny anymore' and she actually said: 'this was closure for me like thats how bad he looked'

CLOSURE? he doesnt even know who the fuck she is! at least my shit is out there. like everyone, including him, knows i used to like him. so there. what can you do? this girl on the other hand is so full of shit. and she was blantantly lying. in front of her to my other friend i was like, 'i heard his face got fat' and she was like 'no it didnt. he looks exactly the same.' so basically shes just trying to get rid of me so she can FINALLY introduce herself and they can go get married. im sure thats how it works out in her cuckoo fantasy.

im going. yeah i dont care. im going. super fucking skinny and all. and shes going to pry and ask how i did it... OMG im gonna tell her i became vegetarian! ahahahhahaha that would piss her off soo bad.

shes so grotesque looking too. she has super skinny legs, like the legs We all want. but like a really large belly and like super big cheeks and no breasts. she looks like a freak, its repulsing.

yeah im going. and if she asks, HA if i talk to her, im going to say 'i became a vegetarian and i started doing yoga.'

after i started yoga last year she was like 'yeah i think im gonna start this summer' i highly doubt her fat ass did it.

ugh ok srry for all of that, how it relates to ana: dont you just hate girls like that? who constantly talk about their weight, how they really need to lose, and they go on diets and such but cant understand why it doesnt come off? its like they dont have the willpower for ana and EVERYONE else has to hear about it?? like yeah We all have issues with food and weight and everything but how many of us actually talk about it? bring it up whenever we can? its like i really dont want to hear this shit girl ESPECIALLY when all you have to do is PUT THE FORK DOWN.

ugh. im pissed. ahaha it was nice to get it out. this was a v. random, personal, non ana sort of post i hope none of you minded. i really appreciate this, and you, thats been on my chest for a while.

so to sum up me and my weight and all that:

im 140lbs my goal was 135 by aug1 but i think im gonna lower it to 133 or something. or try for 135 by this saturday, a week in advance. today im restarting my juice fast. sorry i tried to comment Ana's Girl and couldnt, but i dont think i can keep up with the ABC.. but i am here if you need help! i really try to listen to my body (which isnt the norm among anas, i know) so like if i know i need food or rest i give it to myself.

like today. i woke up kinda sore. not in one place but like an 'all over' sore. im sure my body needs rest, i havent done Yoga in forever, so thats what im going to do. its give and take, since im not working out today im not eating. i hope to do a class tomorrow. once i reach 135 i will post better pictures.

also these are the blogs im reading although i cant officially 'follow'

pokerface
eva can fly
Ana's girl
thin is in
pro ana quest

also i checked out a few that comment pokerface.. i feel sort of left out of this network but hopefully if i get myself to a computer that will change.

Think Thinn,
Strict Chick